Diagnosis- Stress

I’m not doing awesome and I can’t figure out why.

There. That’s seems like a good, solid, ‘cry for help’ sort of opening line to what I imagine will be one big whiny post about why my amazing life isn’t everything I want. Let’s start with symptoms, shall we.

1. My right eyelid/eyebrow has been twitching off and on since Friday. That gives us at least three solid days of twitching which are about three solid days too many.
2. I have been sleeping like crazy and I still feel stretched too thin. I wake up happy and then by the time I’m sitting down with my blender of breakfast smoothie I’m already feeling the strain of too many items on my to-do list.
3. My to-do list for today consisted of writing my aunt and relaxing.
4. I gained about ten pounds over Christmas. This seems extreme. I ate anything I wanted and lots of it, but still, ten pounds?
5. I’ve lost six of those pounds and still don’t feel much better.

So, Dr. House, here are the symptoms plus some other random thoughts. Your diagnosis?

I choose B) Stress.

Long term, built up stress that grew so imperceptibly that I didn’t notice until a friend asked if I wanted to get dinner and my chest went so tight I had to tell myself to breathe in, breathe out, and in again. Just remembering how I bolted from my desk and had to walk around the building a couple of times to keep from sobbing for no reason makes my eyelid start up again. I knew I don’t deal with stress very well, but I had no idea it was this bad.

My body is breaking in little ways and my spirit is shrinking and I don’t know what to do about it. I have some big ideas and I’ve given them a shove, but now the next step is out of my hands and I’m left trying to understand how to take care of myself. I’ve never been good at that.

So I sat on the couch and played video games with my man. It was a good start yet not enough. So I went to my special nook and I took Jane another step along the way. It was helpful, but there my eyelid went again, twitching away. So I baked and I read and I napped and I watched a movie and none of it has been enough. I’m at a loss, unskilled labor in the field of stress-release, trying to suture my wounds without a medical degree. Five different areas of my life are clamoring for me to take care of me and I’m at a total loss.

Being honest on this blog might be a good way to start. Putting the words down and out without having to consider the person I’m talking to, whether he might be bored, if she needs another cup of coffee. I’m a neophyte in an ancient art and so I’m trying and I’m flailing and we’ll have to see how I do.

Because I can’t stand still. No, I think my blood sugar and my spasming muscles and my shrunken soul would argue that point for me. I can’t stand still so I guess I should get to flailing.